so-ma-adina
Never have I felt so gay, I was slapped by reality. Before me is the only human being I love, he is in his death bed. The romance flowing within us shows he was me and I am him. How ironic, death made me feel what life couldn't make me feel. I have known many, liked a few and loved one, listen and know my lover.
The name somadina, was never a name I easily understood, but my father is the big gun of the family so he can name us. My dad is not just handsome, he is wise. There is more to him than meets the eye, that is mutual between my parents but they are flexible enough to be inflexible atimes. There are certain words I could hear from them only in my dreams, words pertaining to how they miss or love you. My siblings are no foreigners to this feeling I harbor. Growing up with 4 siblings of same sex made me believe that the opposite sex is a strange country we can never know. This made me patriotic, citizens of my own country are obviously same sex, I never got a visa, at least not yet. I wanted to know the meaning of that word our parents never told us about first, that word men find so easy to tell the opposite sex than fellow men. I was drunk with the thirst and hunger for love and what it means. I searched, I read, I watched, I observed. None satisfied that urge to know. Getting older, I kept asking the question. I kept getting answers of what intimacy, pleasure and sex was all about. Answers suitable to what they think love is. I saw all that as the blind pursuit of pleasure which is self satisfactory, it satisfies but yet it opiates and ruins .
I never had the gift of gab or allowed my life to be a moon point, but I was opportuned to encounter the opposite sex, most of them learned to seem sincere, I won't go into details but they pretended to be more sure of themselves than they were. I kept on refusing to believe that fake is the new real. Every cloud has a silver lining. That became a bone of contention between my body and soul. Social media was another good place to search but, majority there mantained a fair-weather friendship. Albert Eisten was not wrong when he predicted of a time when technology would surpass human interaction and the world would have a generation of idiots.
I was busy in search of something uncommon that I became a wet blanket to my self. I became a mirror, my spirit holds up a mirror to others, when they see, they see themselves: their values, their taste, even their flaws, no one sees what is behind the mirror till this present day. Moments before I woke up dead. I was stepping out of a book store with a copy of Dan Brown's inferno, my face looked clueless like that of a toddler, thinking on the words of Pascal Blaize "love has reason that reason itself does not understand". I was lost till I found my self on the ground , kicked by a bus the same way I kicked the bucket. I was hearing voices that sounded like cries, my mind was making ridicule of the law of gravity cause I felt like I went to a height of no return....people surrounded my body in a room that looked like a hospital room, I couldn't understand why I am in the hospital cause I felt no pain, in fact I felt nothing, little did I know that I have become what I felt " nothing ". At death , I woke, my eyes were aching, my soul swollen with grief . I am dead, I always thought that love is a terrifying thing that it is not safe, because when you love someone you have to face the fact that you could lose them. Not loving is more terrific, I am lying down dead in a room with people that I never lost cause I never had them, I never loved them, not loving is the highest point of malignancy. I was so much in search of what love means that I never loved another or ever believed that another could love me. I hear my dad calling me by the name he gave me " somadina". I now understand my name and I have truly disobeyed it, I wish my mum could stop crying, I wish my brothers could come closer and tell me that we are in this together, it pains that I love none of them and it pains more that they are oblivious of it, everyone is putting me in the past tense, he was good, he was intelligent, he was....funny how human beings die so well without practice. I am looking at the only man I ever loved , I have never felt so selfish. The mass of men worry themselves into nameless graves while, here and there, a great unselfish soul forgets himself into immortality. I know ignorance is not an excuse but I hope I am judged not by my inability to love but by my will know, for I hope not to enter that place Dan Brown described in his inferno, as a place were you submit every single hope you have on entry.
You still have hope, you have to truly see yourself to be schooled on the complexities of love, you have to know yourself. We are born with love for ourselves, the search for what love is is within, find it and show others. You have never lived if you have never loved, here I am ending what I never started. My greatest wish is that someone gets this my soliloquy, for it is of no use to me, I have crossed the Rubicon to cash in my chips. This is my love to you, for you are human and I was once human....may it be when darkness calls, your heart would be true.
Cytoslaw.
To those who gave their lives, or risked them, that love might survive.
👍👍❤️
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